We're facebook friends in real life
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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