I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
