Pregnant stripper...not hot.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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