WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
