I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
