I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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