Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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