Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
