god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
