booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
