I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
