I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Is Oprah even human
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
