and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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