how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
