Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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