Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
