just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
