Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
