they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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