just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
