I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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