why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
