I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
