Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
