Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
