I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
