dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
