im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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