If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
