On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
