it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
