do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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