Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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