remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
