Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
