I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize