At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
