I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
