My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I miss vodka workout Fridays
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
