the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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