i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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