if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
