When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
