If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
