My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
