So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
