If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
