when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
