just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
