i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
